I walk through the halls once again as the day drones on, at least it's safer here. Predictable is the word... I always feared facing my mother after school everyday. She was the pitch black, evil, darkness in my already dark world.
I can't be myself here though, or anywhere for that matter. I don't even know who I am. On the outside my mother and I seem inseparable. The perfect mother and daughter relationship anyone would want to have... especially me.
In a closed door, my mother wasn't what she appeared to be. She fed me, yes. She put a roof above my head, yes. Although, she didn't provide me of new clothing, everyone believed her. She beat me...
Yes.
No one knew though. Because people are bleak. They are inconsiderate, robotic. Two- faced. And a lot more.
How could they know, though? It was up to me to keep the good, false image of a hardworking-mother-and-daughter-relationship alive. My mother is hardworking. She loves me...I know she does. Although...not like a daughter. She love me like children loves popscicles on hot summer days. I hate popscicles. It's winter year round in my world...as long as the door stays locked.
I heard the faint sound of shuffling feet and a ringing bell. Time to go home...
Hearing the buses roar to life as I made my way down the buses depressed me. This was the darkest part of the day. Knowing what I was going home to, knowing what I was going to face.
I shoved myself into the back. That way, no one would stare at me, no one would judge. As I seat myself, I gently open the newest book on my reading list: Pendragon: The Merchant of Death, scanning through the worn, neglected pages. Reading is my best friend, it helps me escape from my black hole into a sunny, cloudless, blue. Boy, did I love it there. I only wish I could stay.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Pain : Emily Owens
Screech to the night sky,
Feel the pressure pounding your lungs,
Let them bleed away the sorrow,
Let them screech until sight of the sun.
Let the sparrow caw it's anguished cry,
Feel the tears fall down your face,
Sing into the night wind,
Because tomorrow holds a worse fate.
Feel the innocence fade away,
Away with all that's good,
Cover your cold arms staining blue,
Try to convince yourself you are not misunderstood.
Feel the pressure pounding your lungs,
Let them bleed away the sorrow,
Let them screech until sight of the sun.
Let the sparrow caw it's anguished cry,
Feel the tears fall down your face,
Sing into the night wind,
Because tomorrow holds a worse fate.
Feel the innocence fade away,
Away with all that's good,
Cover your cold arms staining blue,
Try to convince yourself you are not misunderstood.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Scent of Desperation pages 1-2
I walk through the halls, staring straight into the eyes averting my chilled over gaze. No one is my friend here, everyone is an enemy, easy prey. I've only had one friend before. My dad. My life was once a four-year-old fantasy...
I wanted to be a model when I was little. My daddy made that dream come true. The memory gave me the most pride and hope a four-year-old could ask for. Daddy told me to put on my Easter dress, my best one. It was blue, a white lace fringe at the bottom and a white collar to match. Ducks covered the blue dress. Different colors, sizes and shapes...all ducks.
Momma held me close that day, when we were a family. She had small elegant fingers that braided my hair, intertwining them into the dark brown jungle to form something completely wonderous.
We took pictures then, silly, funny, sweet, quirky, anything you could think of. That day was a day full of happiness, hopefulness, but that day is but a memory. Gone like a seashell washing from the shore into the blackness of the waves... hope is but a memory.
Back in reality, I continue my walk to class. Slowly I unpack what I could scavenge from previous school years. Even a few pieces of paper in a journal were a lot to find this year. Suddenly, the teacher and I both sweep our eyes to the surface, locking them together. What did she want to say?
"Miranda, where are your supplies from the supply list? Not to be rude but your papers are gone, your pencils are almost to small to manage any more use and your binders aren't even the correct size."
I can only manage a squeaky, "Mom couldn't get them." then force my jell-oey legs to a desk in the back.
I could melt at any moment. I could turn into slush, just like melted snow. I won't. Hiding my mother's awful secret is vital. All I have to hide it with is my clothes, and my own little twisted innocent poker face. Although, the question is....why do I try?
I wanted to be a model when I was little. My daddy made that dream come true. The memory gave me the most pride and hope a four-year-old could ask for. Daddy told me to put on my Easter dress, my best one. It was blue, a white lace fringe at the bottom and a white collar to match. Ducks covered the blue dress. Different colors, sizes and shapes...all ducks.
Momma held me close that day, when we were a family. She had small elegant fingers that braided my hair, intertwining them into the dark brown jungle to form something completely wonderous.
We took pictures then, silly, funny, sweet, quirky, anything you could think of. That day was a day full of happiness, hopefulness, but that day is but a memory. Gone like a seashell washing from the shore into the blackness of the waves... hope is but a memory.
Back in reality, I continue my walk to class. Slowly I unpack what I could scavenge from previous school years. Even a few pieces of paper in a journal were a lot to find this year. Suddenly, the teacher and I both sweep our eyes to the surface, locking them together. What did she want to say?
"Miranda, where are your supplies from the supply list? Not to be rude but your papers are gone, your pencils are almost to small to manage any more use and your binders aren't even the correct size."
I can only manage a squeaky, "Mom couldn't get them." then force my jell-oey legs to a desk in the back.
I could melt at any moment. I could turn into slush, just like melted snow. I won't. Hiding my mother's awful secret is vital. All I have to hide it with is my clothes, and my own little twisted innocent poker face. Although, the question is....why do I try?
Song Of The Day
I dream a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away
Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.
Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.
Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.
But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember
Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.
Cause today, you walked out of my life
(Stay with me, or watch me bleed)
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
(I need you just to breathe.)
I'm not living this life
--------------------------------
Not explaining this. Sorry.
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away
Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.
Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.
Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.
But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember
Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.
Cause today, you walked out of my life
(Stay with me, or watch me bleed)
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
(I need you just to breathe.)
I'm not living this life
--------------------------------
Not explaining this. Sorry.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Song of the Day
The song of the day is If I Were A Boy by Beyonce. Kelsey, this one's for you ^^ :)
It's a private thing haha
If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone
I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy
It's a private thing haha
If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone
I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy
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